Neighbors. 200 Grain Jacketed Hollow-Point. You Decide...

We live in a condo. There are three of us, plus two Maltese, Frosty and Sammy--and two Persians, Heather and Max. Outside of the occasional barking dog, we're pretty quiet and very much to ourselves. On the other hand--some of our neighbors--are not.

Our upstairs neighbor--hereinafter referred to as "Our Neighbor," is probably around 70. She's not all there, if you know what I mean. She's a retired middle school English teacher. Most of the building always thought she was a little odd, but she was always nice to us, albeit a little nosy. When I was hospitalized in November and December; she brought food and asked how I was. She's always volunteered to help bring in our groceries and has always been nice to Nick.

Until recently.

About a month ago; my wife, Michele, was walking our two Maltese. Our Neighbor was outside as well, along with some others from the building. Everyone gathered out on the sidewalk; our doggies hopping up and down on hind legs and yapping. Maltese do that. It's their job.

The moment Michele and the dogs happen on the scene; Our Neighbor says, "why can't you keep your dogs from barking?"

Michele: "They're not barking. They're excited to see you!"

Our Neighbor: "I hate dogs. I don't think they should be allowed in the condos. They bark and crap all over everything. And I thought you just had ONE dog. When did you get the other one? Aren't there rules about that? I wanna talk to Bill about this (Bill--not his real name--is the VP of the condo association). Where's Bill? What's his number?"

Our Neighbor was talking as if she was Miranda Priestly and this was The Devil Wears Prada.

Michele proceeded to try and explain that we were fostering Sammy, but that wasn't good enough for Our Neighbor.

The others in attendance looked at each other and rolled their eyes. One of the others quickly changed the subject--perhaps the weather; I don't know. But when Michele returned from her dog walk; she was livid. She told me what happened. I said I thought Our Neighbor was losing it even more than we thought. Now; Our Neighbor had an Agenda.

A few days later; Michele's out with the dogs--and there's Our Neighbor, hosing down her siding around her front windows. No one elses's siding, mind you. Just her's. Probably about six slats on either side of the windows. This is the same person who parks her car crookedly, crossing over another owner's lines--and ends up falling asleep in the car. We've seen it.

"So--when are you getting rid of that damned dog?"

Michele was stunned. "Well; we haven't decided when we'll get him another home."

Our Neighbor: "I'm gonna bring this up at the next condo board meeting. There's gotta be something in the rules about this. You're not BREEDING those dogs, are you?"

Michele: "No--we don't do that."

Our Neighbor: "Well--you'd better NOT! I KNOW that's against the rules! Know what? I'm gonna call the county, too! If the by-laws don't have something on this--I'm sure the county does."

This--coming from the same woman who, as I said up front, brought food when I was recovering, unsolicited--and helped bring in groceries.

Time out. We checked. The by-laws don't specify number of pets. A call to Loudoun County Animal Control found out two eight pound dogs and two Persian cats in a good home doesn't qualify as a critical animal situation. Later; we talked with the Site Manager, who confirmed that--and said if there was ever a change in those rules; we would be grandfathered and unaffected. She also said the board had basically had it with Our Neighbor for her incessant complaining on everything from pets to the blacktop...and that she would be dealt with once and for all at the meeting.

Usually; we don't go to condo association meetings. Lots of drivel. But, there's a first time for everything--and we made sure we went to this one.

Three days before the meeting; Our Neighbor tapes a typewritten note to our door, reiterating her being at the board meeting and her reasons for doing so. I wrote back, saying I was very disappointed in her demeanor and perhaps something along the lines of a psychiatric evaluation might be in order.

After 30 years of teaching eighth-grade English; it appears Our Neighbor's second career involves changing the world we live in. Remember; the tuning indicator won't stay locked in. She's the kind of person that will say "I can hear radio stations in my head." When you say, "I don't hear anything," she'll get indignant and say, "well, here--just listen!" and open her mouth wide.

Condo meeting day. Our Neighbor, who probably needed a makeover as early as elementary school--shows up in her Sunday Best; makeup troweled on a-la Tammy Fay. She had a manila folder and a digital camera. Everyone else is casual. The condo board was prepped for this, we found out. Apparently; Our Neighbor spends most of her waking hours (and, from what we hear, some of her non-waking hours, too) finding things wrong with our development.

Once the usual condo board business was complete; it was time for "Homeowner's Open Forum." This is where you say things like, "Is it possible to get the burned-out bulbs replaced in the hallway?," or, "there's a boat and trailer in the parking lot that needs to be removed." Our Neighbor used this time to air another laundry list of complaints, including:

--"Swirls" in the parking lot blacktop

--The color of the rubber stair treads in the stairwells

--How the outsourced cleaning service "sits around and does nothing after they've finished cleaning." (condo board response: "maybe they were waiting for their ride...")

--"I just know the tree outside my unit is dead."

Ohhhkay. Then, the board, already prepped for the pet rift, says to Our Neighbor: "We'd like to hear ALL your concerns and complaints RIGHT NOW."

Our Neighbor, not prepared for this sudden burst of hospitality, starts rambling about our dogs and how she thinks our condo is overcrowded and that if we're allowed to do it, everyone will be allowed to do it. The site manager--with witnesses, says there are no rules against a particular number of pets and the board doesn't plan to visit this issue anytime in the forseeable future. There are other things more important.

Tears welled in Our Neighbor's eyes. "FINE!" she said, chastened.

Then, the site manager asked Our Neighbor and us to stay after the meeting, because she wanted to discuss this further. The meeting ended soon after and we approached.

The site manager told Our Neighbor, in no uncertain terms, she was finished with the pet issue. It was done and no further comment would be entertained. Our Neighbor became argumentative--as if how dare the board not address Her Royal Highness's concerns. Then, Our Neighbor told us if we didn't like it there, we should move.

Holy shit.

My wife went ballistic. "We're not the ones with the problem! YOU are!"

The site manager said to Our Neighbor: "What exactly is it that you want?"

In the end; Our Neighbor didn't seem to know.

The condo board president chimed in. "You're not feuding, are you?"

Me: "No. We just want her to leave us alone."

Our Neighbor: "FINE! I will leave you alone FOREVER!"

Me: "Couldn't happen soon enough."

Our Neighbor storms out of the meeting room, fighting back tears. Bitter, lonely, elderly, unloved, unheard. Bad combination.

Outside; we ended up talking to one of our friends who lives next building over. We were kinda in the roadway. We see Our Neighbor backing out of her space. I told Michele and our friend we should step aside, since I thought Our Neighbor would try to run us down. I was nearly right.

Our Neighbor nearly catches rubber speeding away from the scene. She goes into seclusion. Two days later, we see her with multiple suitcases, apparently headed somewhere. Perhaps she has kids she's going to bother for a while. Perhaps she's ISO a retirement community??? My guess she's spending Labor Day week at a Red Roof Inn near Exit 6 on the NJTP, spinning a revolver cylinder.

There's an old saying: "You never know how drunk someone is until the first time you see them sober."

As Rachael Ray might say; "how true is that?"