Food Network: Anodyne To Civilization?

When Food Network first went on the air; I was, like, "so what?" Who's Emeril Lagasse and why does anyone care?

BAM!

These days; I can't go more than a day without watching Food Network at length. I haven't learned all that much about cooking. But I've learned a LOT about marketing.

Whomever's behind the casting and marketing of Food Network's show inventory is either a flat-out genius...or lucky. Maybe both. Emeril Lagasse. Rachael Ray. Paula Deen. Giada DeLaurentis. Ina Garten. Bobby Flay. Tyler Florence. Guy Fieri.

Boy--if I had my life to live over; my ass would be in culinary school!

I would think most of those I've mentioned--and a few others I haven't--would be doing okay without Food Network. But their day-in, day-out TV exposure has made most of them millions.

Paula Deen, for example. Started out as a single mom with $200, making bag lunches for local businesspeople. Her kids, Jamie and Bobby (now TV stars in their own right), delivered them. Paula then opened a little restaurant, which became a big restaurant. Then, her brother, Bubba (how apt), opened his own place. Licenses to print money. Then, Paula gets the Food Network gig. Ever watch her "Paula's Cooking" show? I've never seen so many Rolexes in one show! She's got one. Her husband, Michael, has one. Her kids have 'em. Paula, whose first marriage ended up in a landfill, marries Michael in a paradise setting and settles in to a quaint little place that dwarfs my entire condo building. Little vacations to the Caribbean, Paris; you get the idea. And it's all in the hard drive room at Food Network. Where's my checkbook, y'all?

Rachael Ray. Holy crap! Buyer for Macy's, right? Ends up teaching these "30 Minute Meals" courses at some community college. First cookbook goes through the roof. She's so adorable; it's hard to believe that Beef-On-Weck accent comes out of her mouth! When she was doing those "$40 A Day" shows; it was plain to see she was not just there for the shoot. Every show had a different guy. Then, she marries John Cusimano in Italy. By this time, Rachel's flush with cash. Flew 100 of her friends and relatives to the wedding and put them up! Wonder what was in the "thank you" bag? Now; Rachel's taping schedule rivals most trauma surgeon's surgical schedules. How good is that?

Giada DeLaurentis. Did Grandpa Dino get her this gig--or was he already gone by then? I'd love to see the Nielson breakouts on male viewers for "Everyday Italian." If any Food Network personality is flat-out beautiful; it's Giada. And, she can cook! Mangia!

Ina Garten. A Nice Jewish Girl who's husband just happens to be a top trial lawyer and they just happen to live in this "little place in the country" that just happens to have a full-blown restaurant kitchen. Ina does things like make Popsicles out of Martini & Rossi and freezes beef and chicken broth in cube trays for future use. I wonder if she's ever popped a couple in a glass of iced tea by mistake? I love their little lunch and dinner parties for their nearby rich friends, where they delicately slice thru the dishes she's painstakingly made from scratch. Usually; husband Michael is just getting home from work on the train and is famished. What timing. Her show's called "The Barefoot Contessa." But I swear I've never seen her barefoot!

Bobby Flay. Just once; I'd like to see Bobby make a dish WITHOUT habenero pepper. Just once!

Guy Fieri. What happens when your high school locker partner goes to cooking school...

Mario Batali. Anyone with the balls to wear orange wooden clogs is okay in my book. I remember the "Cooking With Mario" (or whatever it was called) episode where he whips up things at the kitchen counter, with 2-3 people sitting on stools on the other side? Do you remember the female impersonator? I honestly don't think Mario had a clue until about midway through the show. By then, it was too late.

Well; I could go on...but Emeril Live is coming up momentarily. I must prepare.